Love Phi-Losophy

Mother's Day Special from Phi's Addiction =p

2009-05-01T16:22:00.008+08:00

Mother's Day is just round the corner! Check out Phi's Addiction's recommendation on Mum's Favourite Cakes. My mum loves the Pear Cake! =)

and the Carrot Cake...

and Tiramisu Cake!!!

hohoho *slurp*.. visit the website here www.tiramisucaravan.com

Pee in your pants

2008-12-17T10:53:00.008+08:00

This morning I woke up. Tried very hard though, but I managed. I wonder how many more mornings like this I am willing to bear. Mornings that woke up to nothing. Nothing too exciting.

I've given up on work. Like totally. And I finally decided to allow myself to give it up, at least for now till the year is over. Now is the time to take time - for myself, for the soul and to prepare for next year. (Lest it become another year of "bad debt and poor performance" again like 2008. )

Counting my accomplishments in 2008, actually it really wasn't so bad.

For one, I actually set up my online dessert business selling Tiramisu, Cheeseballs and Carrot Cakes. Did up my own website, sorted out my menu and deliveries and managed consistent orders every month. Although doing this was quite a bit of hard work, and working through the night before Valentines' Day, in retrospect I felt like it was a breeze. Cos I totally enjoyed it, cos perhaps it was a hobby kind of thing. And above all, it was made entire with love.

Made it to Ang Khor Wat & Phnom Penh in March 08. Pretty much cool and a place that I've wanted to go always. Though it was sort of disappointing when my hope of having some sort of mysterious encounter in this ancient ruins was "ruined" with loads and loads of tourists, touting and more tourist. Still it was all good.

Diving trip no. 2 to Dayang! Fantastic visibility. Although it wasn't the best site, well, a dive is a dive.

My first time betting in the Casino in Genting Highlands. N Winning, N then getting conned by Chinese conman... brrr

Bought my first lot of Stock investment.

Met my beloved BiBi!!!

Did the Singapore "house viewing" thing.

and la di da di dah*...

I can't say it was a bad year for me, but it has left me highly undoubtedly dissatisfied with myself. Becos for one thing, and the most priced achievement was that I didn't do as well in my job.

A simple fact turned up. We almost always do well in your favorite subjects. For those we had to Ace just so we get into the job that PAYS BETTER, becomes a challenge and a drag eventually as we start to find less and less meaning in doing them.

I did use to like it, now I dunno. I've started to feel like I am wasting more time each day it wasn't turning out better. Time that I could have spent doing other things that gave me more happiness, purpose and fulfillment.

Question: how much more of those is needed to be done, and where am I headed with all this? next 10 years? or even just 5 years?

Answer: The longer I take, the more time I waste.

The more I try, and each time I didn't get the results I wanted, I started to felt less worthy. And the more my body life and mind was out of sync. I had diet problems, over eating, over sleeping, lack of zest, zest that I should jump out of bed every morning and smile widely to this world.

Precious time that won't return, we only live once.

I remember a "me" that was following her heart, doing the things that gave her life, things that made her feel alive.

Now, this heart is wavering and I feel torn between to sticking to it, or letting it go. Projecting everything into longer terms, i really can't see myself anywhere with it. Am I really going to be that Sales Super Woman?

This morning, I woke up to Agnes' diving pictures in Sipadan. And I finally woke up. I was feeling this quivering excitement through my guts, n I felt no need for food, not a slightest craving to munch. Yun calls this the "like u want to pee in ur pants".

I felt at peace with the excitement.

In a worldly sense, it's been hell on earth. The financial crisis and turmoil, people losing jobs, global economy slowing down tremendously, the Olympics torch run that put protests against China on international media, terrorist bombing in Mumbai, and, God only knows what's it gonna be with 2009.

with all these in perspective, all about "me" don't matter as much. However, finding my purpose is important.

As Bibi says it, having more money won't change the world, doing what we love will.

Bigger plans ahead in 2009, like a churning Phi's Addiction into full fledged business, visits to my friends in Portugal, Lithuania & Israel, giving out Cheeseballs to orphanages, Japan Solar Eclipse, Bibi & Bibi's new home, dive dive dive, sing sing sing, write a book, learn to paint, new additions to the menu, underground kitchen on Weekends, new directions and endless of experiences that make me pee in my pants.

Of course above all I love my bibi most :)

By the way, anybody knows what happened to the "LOVE" statue outside Fish & Co at the Glass House?

this blog post with a lot of 'I's becos 'I' am getting confused...

2008-11-06T15:23:00.005+08:00

my bibi says i am his Best Friend. I've heard someone talked about people they love this way. "My gf? oh it's been amazing with her! We're best friends..."

This year i started to doubt so much about relationships with people, friends and families, i kinda forgot what it means to be best friends, or lovers, or what it means to be friends with differences, or even friends separate by distances and jet lags.

at some point in time this year, I didn't know anymore if my friends liked me enough. or if i was as important in their lives as they were in mine.

that they wanted even an extra moment just to stay up for chat, to tell each other how magical it has been for us friends to meet and getting to know each other.

just like good old times.

I've somehow forgotten what it was to have a F'ING good time with friends, or at a party meeting real people. not people who want to be seen, act cool, or hook up with girls. REAL PEOPLE. where have they gone to.

i think the the core inside me is a deep dark place that no one can understand. and when friends i thought could understand my depressiveness, i was wrong. even i didn't understand why i am so depressed.

i often wonder if am happy with where i am today? am i about to do what i am truly made for in this existence?

wat if i m a painter, an artist, or a dancer, n here i am trapped in the casino of life trying to play the money game. what if i am a writer n my task is to think and put my extremely imaginative mind down on pen and paper.

wat if at this point in my life i still have one last shot to do everything that i was not trained to do in school, but always thought about. only one shot what would u choose?

what if i was going to die tomorrow?

then, how could i discover what i was made for today?

Masala, Dhal and Rice

2008-10-27T13:22:00.004+08:00

After what was months of BRAIN freezing, or just uninspiring days shopping and hanging out in Market St. Meixin Food Court. I found a little breathe of oxygen eating CURRY.

Yesterday, I had my good dose of Masala, Dhal and Rice in little India. It was the eve of Deepavali. We gathered some friends and decided to soak ourselves in the festive mood, by having our fare dose of Indian Thali and Dosas at Madras New Woodlands... (Just opposite Komalas.) They served drinking water on the table. This is one thing I dun get when restaurants require u to buy bottled water or drinks.

I think it is good practice to acknowledge human dignity by serving drinking water with meals.

For those people who only know Komalas for Indian food, I sure hope you look deeper beyond flashy signs and bright colours. After all, the experience of any cuisine, is the full palette of taste, sight, smell, and also traditions and cultures that sink in deeper in ur neurons than "Fast Food".

This is why I HATE FAST FOOD.

It really seems like I am a fanatic about Indian culture, food and Saris. But that is definitely not what all this is about. It's not Indian, or Chinese or Thai or European. It is the richness, the intensity of being somewhere different, and having a mind trippin.

When everything you see and understand is not what it really represents. To a large extent, the order in little India and in my India experience is one that is not easily understood, and some people never get it. ;)

The crowd in what seems like a disorderly fashion, is only what is perceived by me. IT's a big mess. People overflowing from the shops, on the streets, on the roads. IF I was looking for the queue, I would be feeling terribly misplaced. However, when one soon realises that there is actually no order, and that the understood and accepted protocol is simply the mess that is, that our objective is to find a place for ourselves, and not EXPECTING space to be made for you, then you find actually a sense of calmness in it. If we looked around, everybody is pretty much ok with the crowd.

IT's not just being used to it. I can walk everyday in crowded orchard road and complain every single thing about it. "Why the jammed traffic, why people dun cycle instead of driving, why can't we have more places to go!"

IT's about the attitude of embracing.

IT's when Singaporeans start queuing and demanding order then CHAOS become intolerable.

IT's when we think a system is the answer to all our problems, we lose sight of opportunity and real meanings in life.

The point is to beat the system, break down all barriers and meet people face to face. We've set up walls to contain ourselves in righteousness and to separate ourselves from perceived danger. This separation is stifling. This identity needs to be burned.

We turned up at Prince of Wales on Dunlop Street for a quick beer before dinner. As we got nearer, there was an uncomfortable fence separating a small area outside the bar and the streets outside. And "kept" within the fences were beer, "ang-mo" travelers and a pool table.

It look like an animal enclosure to me. To make a sign outside "Protected Mammals Enclosure - Do not Feed" would have been pretty apt.

From the inside, the place is not run by Singaporean locals but white Caucasians. And as a matter of fact, the whole place looked like a concentrated white dot in little India. The sight was appalling. We as customers at the bar was fenced up, while the local residents and ethnic Indian walked along outside and looking inward.

Then I really wonder what all these traveling is about, to come to a new place and then gathering up in pubs and behind fences???

(by saying this, I seriously am not racist, but i dunno how else to put it. It wasn't a pretty sight, and I felt like tearing it all down.)

Each time when I talk about Indians, or visiting little India on Sundays. I get raised eyebrowns, questions about -

"what so fun" "so crowded" "so smelly" "i dun find it interesting to squeeze ard"... "why are you such an indian fanatic?"

OR even commenting "wah, u really into bollywood stuff ah, get an indian boyfriend la!"

guess what, u totally missed the point. :)

Betel Leaves Stand Outside Madras New Woodlands :)

Watching the rain

2008-07-25T13:29:00.001+08:00

Watching the rain...

guess i haven't sit to watch the rain in a really long time now... a very long many months, yet the time still passes, and I lose track of myself and the things i've done...

Yesterday a friend send me a text message. It was her birthday. Hah, so fast, birthday again. Next week, my best friend gonna leave town for Israel. To be with her bf... so fast again... she's leaving... it was already 6 months she was back... but all that's left of this 6 months after it has passed.. is this... today.

"Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, Thats why it's called the Present"

Many people say, live in the present. But i think I am too much in the present, that I sometimes forget to care, that what I did yesterday makes today, and what I make of today gives tomorrow.

Today is Friday, I am sitting by the window, watching the storm that's about to begin, the cold wind beating on my face, giving me a sharp cold touch on my face, yet it is cold because I am warm. An awakening chill that I can feel because I still breath.

I dunno how many people walking on the streets are but empty shells, facing practicalites of live, that u need to do this to get that and to have this. I have chosen an alternative path about things. Chosen to give myself liberty to do things that I like rather than just to be a money making machine, as much as possible.

Self-indulgence, some people call it.

Facing the same practicalities in life, I have also drifted through the crowded with a hollow shell.

But watching the storm, watching the setting sun and walking barefoot on grass, I feel alive.

The Lucky Ones

2008-04-30T22:13:00.005+08:00

I wonder if it is because there are lucky people who have simply found the fomula through life, or are able to accept life simply as it is; making me look like a lost philosopher, and somewhat an outcast on this side of the world.

Alienation

I wonder if I could be the only one.

I feel many unhappiness bottled inside, I want to scream! Yet, it's silent, as there is no reason, just bitterness.

I think up so much junk, it looks as if I love torturing myself. Misunderstood, and lack of real connection; the attention now is filled with judgement, critism and distrust.

Junk. Or is it?

Positive attention is very important to me. It is to everybody. yet in this world I am perceiving, there is so much lack of attention, and more like suffering from a deficiency in it. without enough nods affirming what I do, who I am, what I like. Just some signs to tell me I am ok, that I am on the right path, doing the right things, being the right person,... (u know...)

some real loving... plsssss...?

some experiences make me feel all so so good, and some times my closest friends make me fall flat on my face.then everything crushes, like u stepping on the garden snail (accidentally).

Lucky there's Cen.

I like to be part of, not excluded. Or maybe I excluded myself. I don't like to be the extra, odd one. Or maybe, I'm just thinking that. Funny me.

Maybe I am just different, from another planet, and most people dun understand me. I dun understand most people also.

I find no comfort in the silence but fear being abandoned, fear of being left out. It's dark and depressed.

I dun mean to torture myself. but I sometimes doubt if you like who I am, and I dun wish to be deluded.

This is it

2008-04-02T12:11:00.002+08:00

this is it, I am going to blog my life away. spending time writing down meaningless thoughts, spending more time thinking about what I should be or could be doing better with this mediocre life of mine.

this is it. this time I am going to be brutally honest with u and with myself.

Yes it's true, with all the good things in the world given to me, a good complete family, good friends that love me, a home where there are surplus in food, money, material, a city where people have money to spend just because they are bored of working; where people have the ability to spend on better things in life to treat themselves better;

- I actually feel dull and depressed in this city "God" dropped my soul upon.

Last night on television was a documentary featuring suicidal tendencies in singapore. I watched intently, and listened to what these people had to confess about their suicidal thoughts, in hope to find a light to my darkness.

No, I do not feel like killing myself, just that not feeling alive can't get me anywhere better. So I listened.

The consistent pattern that ran through each individual, was clear. There was nothing more in life for them, that they believed they could be better off dead than dealing with problems of heart break, abandonment, survival, lack of love.

They also observed that most people whom have escape the thoughts of suicide, upon good guidance and recovery, tend to come back stronger alive than before.

---

there was not direct answer to me after the show had ended, just a bland conclusion that everybody has their problems, and there are millions of starving children in this world; that food is wasted into our trash bins everynight on the contrary. No, dear chinese people, finishing up what you have on ur plate is not helping at all!

The world we live in is surely not a perfect world. It must not me. Man have tried hard enough and sacrificed many in pursuit of idealistic systems and belief of creating a flawless perfect world. This we have seen resulting in wars, cruel regiments, and will never work.

Because one man's ideals, maybe another man's nightmare.

---

I don't know what to do with myself. I've constantly tried to accept and do what would seemingly work best for me. 1 year in a 9-5 job. Everybody told me i'll get use to "working life". Fact is I didn't, I had woken up every morning that year, dreading to wake up. And by the time everything started to flow pass like a normal day, I kept myself alive and preserve my mind from jadedness by asking, can all this get any better?

And when it came down to the ultimatum question, how long more is this going to last? I realise, there's no way i am going to live another day this way.

I took off with the little savings I had, in search of life and in search of my soul. In my travels, I've had many revelations, and beautiful experiences that have done me good. Lessons about love and life and living. Came back recharged, only to have all the inspirations fading into memories.

Somehow, I ended up feeling lost and burnt out, trying to find myself in here. I am here but I feel soul-less. God knows what I should or could be doing better with myself. I don't know what I should be doing with myself.

I am tired of not knowing what to do.

Music... does urs make u mooove? :P

2008-03-27T22:31:00.005+08:00

...everytime I listen to trance or techno, my heart never fails to pump. Always, I feel my heart racing to the beat, and the senses overflowing with adrenaline.

Looking forward yet to another music revolution, cool dJ spins, psychedelic trance parties, the next solar eclipse gatherings...

I can hardly explain an experience in these parties... unless u feel it for urself... depicting such a scene would be most unhelpful.

wooohoo... hehe the pure thought of it gives me enough energy to start dancing for hours in my little room now...

this is music for me. what about u?

给: 傻瓜

2008-02-27T22:28:00.004+08:00

我从来没有对什么人这么冷漠过. 一直以来都相信人生里要有爱和宽容. 我想这个"他"真的伤了我好深. 是我对"他"的怨恨不能平浮.

其实每个人, 都有曾经伤害过其他人. 我不例外, 也不分谁对谁错.

最近, 有人对我说:

"早上起来问的, 不是为什么, 而应该是问怎么办. 过去要放下, 最重要是以后的日子要怎么过."

谢谢你傻瓜, 我明白. 我也是傻瓜.

Phi's Addiction - The Tiramisu Caravan

2008-01-15T19:18:00.000+08:00

Changes! New Link @.....www.tiramisucaravan.com

highly recommended to check out the new link on your right.

Featuring:
Phi's Addiction - The Tiramisu Caravan

Phi Phi’s™ original Tiramisu is now available.
eat it lick it drink it eat it lick it drink it eat it lick it drink it eat it lick it

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year - *old school but just as meaningfull

2007-12-24T16:43:00.001+08:00

Hello all. whoever and wherever u are, reading this. Here are my heartfelt season's greetings to all you sweeties.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

This year I'll be spending Christmas eve at home with myself (and also toilet training Rhumby the Pug which has been staying in my house for the last week)

Spending Christmas eve alone isn't all that lonely a thing afterall. Most of my friends have gone overseas, so there isn't anything planned for the evening. I guess it can be a positive decision to want to spend some special time alone as well.

It may sound too much of solitude for many people, but since i've never done anything like this before, I thought it may be an experience worth a shot. So I didn't try to plan anything more.

However, today I have a bigger task at hand. Toilet training the Pug. It's about 4 years old and it had been toilet trained in the previous home. But since it moved to my place, he had been doing it outside which is good, but it also shit and pee-ed in the house. I've been trying to train it to use the toilet at home. but everytime we walk in there, it doesn't do anything but wait for the door to open and to get out.

Right now he's leashed to me, and everytime he tries to get my attention, I'll just bring it to the bathroom, or if it tries to relieve himself, then at least I can stop him in time and then bring him to the bathroom.

Argh... wished there was an easier way.

**

;) check out his arrogant face

A simple girl

2007-11-29T14:09:00.000+08:00

Every girl has a dream. I have one to. Call me a helpless romantic or emo-bitch, either works. Like a simple girl, I like to share, love and be loved.

No, this isn't about BGR, a timeless debate about what women want and what keeps the men ogling. Or for that matter, why 50% of the time, people out grow each other and relationships simply expired.

This is about simple love. To share and to love. Friends, Family, Pets, Strangers. A sort of wordless simplicity, imagine a fuzzy white glow around everything, and a smile with peace and tranquility. Everything in Enlightened state. Even the tables and chairs.

Starting to sound unreal? It's a perspective. Perspective is as real as anything you and I see can mean for you or me.

What's the point? Why are there so many books on self help, self motivation, spiritually, pursuing happiness, pursuing success? Why is Man constantly striving to transcend this picture of struggle, unhappiness, lack of success, lack of money. We read books A - Z, to find an answer. Some books are great, we recommend it, some are too abstract and our minds are not ready.

What's the point, everybody has something to say anyway, right or wrong.

What's the point, in getting angry, jealous, irritated, frustrated, sad, when all these are self inflicted feelings and reaction. I can't feel what somebody else is feeling. Not exactly, I feel for everything through my own perception.

But we all feel so anyway, and we also sometimes the cause of other people's anger, hurt and frustration.

Wouldn't it be nice, if everyone was enlightened, to see past themselves and to stop blaming others? And just to share a simple love.

Tuesday

2007-10-09T14:26:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, today, I lay on my bed for hours after hours. Just thinking.

Thinking how, why, who, what, if and dreaming about when.

I am not giving up, but I found myself stuck in a pit, don't know how to get out, can't really see what's outside.

So there is only me and myself to think things through. To find the answers to gather my confidence to stay alive.

There's help from somewhere, I hear an echo. Should I follow or should I stay and think somemore. I look around me, lo and behold I found a spade sitting here beside me. I had dug this pit for myself.

The echo shouts louder now, but only to save me, I'll have to leave myself behind in the pit.

I explained to myself, that I was digging a tunnel to a beautiful place. Now that I've lost the map and compass, I just need to ask myself which direction to dig more.

I wanted to know that I was right. I didn't want to chose the easy way and depend on help, leaving myself behind.

After hours, I am still thinking if I should continue to dig the tunnel. Or just listen to help.

Soon, I started to get comfortable with myself and in the pit. I got used to the darkness, and everything seems normal. Normal to be actually in a pit.

Once in a while, help tells me about the beautiful scenery and fresh air outside. That I should experience and love. But to have all that, I'd would need to climb and forget about myself. I would need to change my plans and forget about digging the tunnel.

I ask myself, why am I digging the tunnel?

It was so that I can do it by myself.

***

Help says, actually it's the same place we are going to. Same beautiful. This way is just easier, brighter and everybody has gone through this way.

Why do I dig the tunnel by myself?

No-one knows.

Where?

In the tunnel.

***

If I go, I'll never know about the tunnel. If it can be completed by myself.

Maybe it doesn't matter, I thought. Same happy place. I can have others besides myself.

But, I couldn't decide. I wanted to get out, but I was afraid to leave myself behind. And I wanted to know if it can be completed by myself.

No-one knows the tunnel.

***

Last of all, I was afraid that I would chose to be by myself. Can I trust no-one?

can love die

2007-10-06T03:11:00.000+08:00

love can die

how do u stop urself from disappointment, if you pride urself in love.

what if something has died but we still hold on to loyalty.

who is the one to spend eternity with you, or at least feels like eternity when with you

or me.

how long do love last, if one chooses to keep silent, if one choses to be indifferent, if one forgets what is important in love

how to be yourself.

I am different.

Positive Equations

2007-10-03T21:54:00.000+08:00

Positive input (+) gives Positive results (+)

Positive input (+) sometimes give Negative results(-)

Negative input (-) will only give negative results(-)

Positivity is the only promise to positive results

Why

2007-09-21T15:54:00.000+08:00

why do we ask why? don't u ask anyway sometimes.

I am now taking a break from my day. Taking a break to blog, or blogging to take a break. Either works.

These days, I forget when I breathe, and I sometimes forget to breathe. Running around and calling a good number of numbers. At least that's almost what it feels like. Yet, it's never enough. You can always do more. You can always do more by waking up earlier, resting lesser in between calls, and well, you can always push and make the next limit even if you can't see.

Question is. Do I want to do it. Sometimes yes, sometimes I don't.

It's a question that goes in circles, up and down. The only reality and truth in the entire race is yourself. Yes we make our reality. What you want to do. Not what you want to achieve, but what you really commit yourself to doing. Because at the end achieving success is the result of what you chose to do everyday. And then success means nothing more than what you will be doing after you achieve success. If success means having to continue working, 9-5 everyday, hold endless meetings, daily meetings, have an impressive name card that must state your designation in the company behind your name and otherwise the card is worthless.

so much for an identity.

Do I want to do what I do everyday today. Yes. only because I know I don't have to do the same the next time when I get better in life. The concept of financial freedom has stuck hard and stuck well. And until I own my cafe and kitchen by the coast on some laid back island, here in Singapore City, financial freedom is the way.

This is my beat. Yet, many others move faster than me. More persistent than me, more hard working than me. It's not a competition. But don't u get jealous of people that have done the same and then done better?

And then suddenly, if you zoom out of Singapore like using Google Earth. You realise we are so small. And the reality here, is really, insignificant.

Which means, there are so many different paths in this vast universe, and then some say there is a parallel universe. Realities nested within realities. Daily life and living that is right here right now, becomes mediocre.

Eventually life has no meaning. No real meaning that is solid that you can grasp.

We are alive as much as u continue breathing. Everything else like a movie. I am paralyzed by such a thought.

Then again, life unfolds day to day. There have been instances of a beautiful day that I've lived feeling extra fulfilled, extra happy, and extra extra alive.

Unexplainable.

Why?

I Blog

2007-08-14T21:16:00.000+08:00

I blog about my life, my love, my unhappiness, my depression. Hell actually who cares anyway? But I blog anyway...

It's true, this blog doesn't show all of me.. some of it I must hide. More often than not, it takes some effort not to whine about my dissappointments in life. Cos well, it's a blog, it's public, and many people read it. Well, my issues are probably just mindless buzz, only important to me. Others may be struggling with tougher fate.

Whining about things don't actually help at all. Infact, it can make things worse. We know this. However, if you ask me to look inside, there is a point right in between the pit bottom and, just before things get better. But it's not any better, and you can't even whine about it.

So I blog.

It's mid-Aug now. I've been back home since last december. Yes, last 8 months were start of many new beginnings. Coming home and coming to terms with myself to stay put in Singapore. To start afresh, plan the next few years and sort out the things I need to sort out. This is my home, my culture, my heartland, but I am like an alien at home.

I feel estranged from people around me. Just an unexplainable distant. There are many who are nice characters, but... No connection situation.

Then there are the "meanies"... needless to talk more about them...

I wonder if it's me, that I am that different. Or I chose to be different.

What about One love, what about coming together and feeling alright... What about the world in Love?

optimism and take the future

2007-08-09T10:29:00.000+08:00

I spend most of my free time on internet. That's also why I blog quite a bit.

Then for an instance I thought that I've become a socially evasive internet geek. Nope. My best friend Yun would win that anytime. My BPB comes a close second.

But well, I realise it's because most of the friends that I talk to and hang out with are away or from overseas. Hm... Call me an attention seeking bee-aarch ("bitch"). My life here hence shrank into distance between home and work... the next good movie and a computer screen messenger party.

Yet even though communication over the internet is so deprived, I get the deepest insights from the people on the other end of the optic fiber.

hey dont speak about the past, lets take the future!
- Adomas

:) optimism is important!!!
- Tiago

lolololo... Ata iki... Ate ja!

It's all in the attitude...

new age sentimentalism

2007-08-05T12:12:00.000+08:00

Always when I travel in the MRT (mass rapid transit), my mind is consumed with thoughts about the people standing around me. Each cabin is easily filled with 50 people. That's quite a good sample mass in such a small space. Sometimes I feel intruded with these people standing so near by. Maybe because I don't want to get too close.

Not just the bitching about latest fashion hots nor fashion victims. But thoughts about life.

Thoughts about what these people might be thinking, how they are happy the way they are, how maybe they are jaded, how they found light and acceptance, how they managed to work it all out.

By thinking so much, it's starting to look like the mass population are more enlightened about life and living, in this bustling city of Singapore. And I start to feel ignored of my endless chatter and mental buzz about what's real and what's not.

Call me a new age sentimentalist, or a lost philosopher.

It is true that some questions have no answer. Then it becomes meaningless to think about them. And because they have no answer, there is also no end to the debate.
- Can't stop thinking about them.

Need some space... we could have parties, food, drinks, a place to hang out...

then... Rental is Crazy in Singapore!! In the suburbs neighbourhood, is coming to SGD2,000 - 3 rooms maybe?

I can't seem to find space for myself here. I just barely survive with a minimal breathe of air, everything seems so congested.

GOD

2007-07-27T20:08:00.000+08:00

Was there ever a time where you wished there was a God behind everything, a God to save your day, a God that will have the power to heal and show you the way, a God that can make everything nice and beautiful for you?

And... All that you'll need to say, is that you believe there is one.

I did. Today, I asked if there's a God, and if so, wouldn't it be easy to reverse the day and fill it with happiness. Today I met with an unbelievable experience in work. Whatever I presented to him as facts, he didn't believe any bit of it. Worst part of it, he thought I was lying through my teeth and even asked me out right if I did.

Trust. I hate it when anyone undermines me in distrust. If I had lied all that, then I must be Divine.

Truth is, there isn't a "God" that's gonna whip up a hot cocoa, topped with whipped cream and a wafer biscuit topped with more whipped cream. Mums do that. And there isn't a "God", that will magically transform a seemingly tough day into one with smiles. Nope, Harry Potter can't do that either.

Truth is, your day isn't gonna be any better, if you just sit, complain to your "God" in a prayer and then do nothing to help youself.

Help isn't help, if you dun want to help yourself.

Faith or Religion, Philosophy, Sharmanism, Paganism, Cults. They only help you help yourself, in the way you chose to believe.

The "God" that really is, would be how the world can magically connect one to another. How life is always happening, every moment is different from the next. How your mum makes you your favourite dish. How spending time with your closest friends put a smile on your face. How your boyfriend lets you choose your sandwich the way you like it, even when he's sharing it with you. How you choose to be, the person you are in everyday.

"God" is a fiction of our imagination. Or, "God" is you, me and the Universe.

Gaia and the 7 Magic Fishes

2007-07-17T09:31:00.000+08:00

Gaia

The Gaia hypothesis is an ecological hypothesis that proposes that living and nonliving parts of the earth are viewed as a complex interacting system that can be thought of as a single organism. Named after the Greek earth goddess, this hypothesis postulates that all living things have a regulatory effect on the Earth's environment that promotes life overall.

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaia_hypothesis#Lovelock.27s_initial_hypothesis

***
Last weekend was full of surprises on the Island of Tioman on the Eastern side of Malaysia, off the coast of Mersing Jetty, South China Sea.

We headed to Golden Mile to catch an early morning bus at 6.30am, sped through a bowl of mince meat noodle in 5 mins, and set off full of energy on the 40 seater bus.

3 hours into the Journey, we were already dozing off in the bus. Suddenly, there was a scream, "AAAhhhhh...!!!" and then *BAaMm*!!!?!!

We thought someone was knocked and rolled over by the bus!... Fortunately, no one one was hurt, the bus had ramped itself into the back of a Taxi, and then the taxi continued to hit the car infront. Hehe... we sent a message home to buy the 4-Digit Lottery for the number plates. *Uffff* Didn't strike...

So, we ended up with the bus at the police station, and waited for the replacement bus to take us to Mersing Jetty. Luckily, we got there just in time for the boat at 1.30pm.

The Boat ride was another hell round of fun! The sea was rough and the boat was crashing into every waves. WE would have been soaked if not for the existence of sliding windows on that boat.

Everything was then back to being normally nice as we reached the island, and found a good dwelling place for rest, less the attack of the Baboon. Yeps, the Baboon came to our hut and attempted attack with a snare at us. It tried also to sneak over our balcony. AND, it came back in the middle of the night to scream at us from outside the hut, and turned over all our trash!!! Very agressive is this Baboon.

Until the next morning where we missed the Snorkel Boat Trip! *Ufff* So we thought we would rent just the equippments and go swimming at the beach. And we did. Was actually quite an adventure swimming out into the unknown.

Suddenly we started to see some beautiful fishes.. and more fishes. So we snorkelled and swimmed and laughed and giggled and smiled...

And SUDDENLY!!!*!!!*!!!* We spotted something that was AS BIG as I was. WOW!! They were bluish and a rustic green in colour, making them look like they have swam to shore from the Ancient depths of the OCEAN... and then there were more of them... 1, 2, ....3, ... As fast as there appeared, they disappeared. These humungous Bumphead Parrot Fishes (or Giant Parrot Fish) were cruising along and feeding on algae and corals.

We hit the beach a second time that day. And swam out the same. Suddenly, we spotted them again! This time we decided to swim along with them a while more. We were thrilled... There were 7 of them! We watched them from a distant and realised they were spawning around us as there was a timed release of a cloud of "something" over the corals... :P They were pretty harmless as far as we know it, but still we stopped breathing everytime they took a turned and swam nearer to us.

Well... The 7 Magic Fishes...

***
Everytime I go for a trip out of town, dive, parties in the the forest, just getting closer to nature, or getting closer to people, meeting people... I feel deep within me, the heart beat of Gaia. That the world at large makes one so small, yet as part of an entire system, all that exists is needed and of vital importance. We are both predator and prey in the world of competition, survival, and war is at the epitome; but we are also functions to the system of Gaia, as a whole pulsating organism in Homeostasis, interconnected, part of a single entity, and with a universal identity of Gaia's existence in the realms of Space.
***

A Wretched Week as the World United in Spontaneity

2007-07-01T12:52:00.001+08:00

Ever since last Friday, a sudden invitation from a friend to hang out for a drink, and me being my usual self - spontaneously agreed.

And today, I wonder why I hadn't blew up in spontaneous combustion yet. It's 1pm now. I had reached home just in the morning at 8am, met my mum at the coffee table, showered and slept. For the past week, I've took the first morning bus home twice, saw daylight before sleeping, and met my mum at least 4 times at the coffee table. This morning stood at the record breaking time, 8am.

Severely lack of sleep, yet, I can only manage a maximum 5hrs rest. I usually dun sleep into the afternoon.

No particular plans, no particular reasons, just hanging out. I am impressed by myself.

In the last week of crazy night out marathons, more spontaneuos plans were formed. And I wondered why in the past, it seemed for me there was almost nothing more to be done around, everywhere I turned was an empty place. This week we spent 3 nights in a same place, watching fights, eavesdropping quarrels and dealing with never ending curiosity. Planning a next trip, a next destination, and more plans.

A Wretched Week as the World United in Spontaneity

Baggy

2007-06-16T14:59:00.000+08:00

All comments, critisms, love-notes or bids are welcome...!!

Aurimas and Agne

2007-06-03T13:09:00.000+08:00

I still keep some of the SMS's I received since Lithuania. So I remembered yours dear Auris :)

"Hey, farewell little woman :) please, send us photos of you in singapore and help us realise that you belong not just in kaunas :) lovely letters also welcome."

And Agne, snow is over now and summer is here again... you said I gave you a different view of snow, I say u changed my summers from then on. :)

Well, I hope you (two) don't forget my blog. I'll try to send some parts of me to Kaunas too.. fingers, toes, hands, heart... ewweee* ... just joking

This week there's a Romeo and Juliet production from Lithuania.. I might just try to catch it...

Here're some more photos on my birthday...

at ICE COLD BEER... :)

stealing the chocolate leaf cake decorations...

*Opps... it was a frozen icecream cake...

hehe... now we have a little problem...

Nouvelle Vague

2007-05-27T23:14:00.000+08:00

translated as "Bossa Nova" *portuguese, "New Wave" *french. love them.

http://music.download.com/nouvellevague/3600-8636_32-100736698.html

To Death with Love

2007-05-26T12:09:00.000+08:00

Dear Death,

Tell me something I don't know about you?
That you are a cause of our tears, sadness and sorrow.
We mourn because you exist.
That you never fail to meet us at the end of it all,
Or, is it you that has ended it for us.

You are part of the destiny, the path and the cycle,
of Birth, Life, Death and Rebirth.
Death. The Anti-Climax, a sudden halt to all that is alive.
The point they say "your life flashed past ur eyes"
The expected ending, that undermines our purpose.
For what we live if we should die?

Or we lived to die to live again.
The heavenly realms, so they speak, for the good,
And the the fury of hell for those who've sinned.
If death is eternal, then better dead than alive.

You are the truth of life,
Because through death, we know we lived.
If we live only for a day,
What would we be doing today?
If everyone lived everyday like their last,
We could be living in a world of love.
Or we could be complaining about what we did not have
on our last day, everyday.
Choose.

We can't fight You, Death,
But Rockstars live forever.

**

Sincere condolences to all who loved Wayne, drummer of rockband The Suns.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=13524262&blogID=268154712&MyToken=c963d95d-69bb-4a6e-a4d2-836235450ea3

Electrify My Life "BPB"

2007-05-06T16:18:00.000+08:00

Last night we celebrated Marcelly's Birthday Party at Gotham Penthouse in Clarke Quay. A themed club with male strippers and hot dudes... YES! Men... for the women rights and "Bachelorette" hen parties...

http://www.gothampenthouse.com.sg/promo/show.html

So the sexual charge was peaking high, as we saw the babies from Johannesburg dance their butts around over 3 sets of performances. After the 2nd set I was convinced that they were never gonna be mine, but I wondered what they would really be like off-stage... Or backstage. *Ooo* As I discussed with Weihao, we sorta agreed that the most "provocative" of em probably is most decent, and vice versa. But truth is, you can never tell...

I turned my attention to the ladies on the floor. All the girls looked on with a tinge of love-lust glow, and "we" just couldn't keep out gaps closed. Heh. I definitely blushed. And some girls really played the heat, and teased the boys. I took the back seat for a cooler night. I don't exactly like getting high and dry.

*HAHAHA*

Well, it was truely a fun night we had. Tequila Shots, Tequila pops, Henessy, Johnie Walker...

So Marcelly, the birthday girl, without a doubt, was pretty sloshed. Yet while she layed by the pillar near the Taxi Stand... She could still identify friends passing by. She's incredible.

Met up with some friends whom I haven't seen in a long time since I left University Hostel. We sent Marcelly and Mr Gan (her BPB) home. That girl could still cook us Kimchi Noodles. *Babe, it was one of the best I've had since* Did a little more catching up, and then got on home.

"BPB" - "Beautiful Perfect Boyfriend"

This dude stood up to the challenge! He watched on the lap dance, encouraged it, cheered it on! The girl on the hot seat was his GF. His face didn't change a bit!

http://www.gothampenthouse.com.sg/

**Naked "BPB"s... Strip and Electrify Our lives**

Life Changing Amount of Money

2007-05-01T22:14:00.000+08:00

Does Money change your life?
Yes.
Does Money change you?
Not always...

Recently I've been asking people around me. What could be a life changing amount of money for them?

SGD 1 million dollars was the unanimous answer.

When I went for an audition for the game show "Deal or No Deal", they also asked me this question. I too said one million.

I had gone to try out the game show just for a chance to get enough money to pay off my school fees loan and just perhaps have some for home improvements. SGD250,000 was the grand prize offered. Well just for reference sake, you can't buy a nice apartment to stay for that amount of money, but you can definitely change a hell lot about life, for things that need money.

WHen they asked me what I would do with the 1 million dollars, I mentioned to give my parents a new home to stay, and then a place for myself, and then I paused.... becos having done that, the money would now be insufficient for anything more.

Money. Life seldom ends with enough money, it also is never about the money. How much is enough? Depends on what you want to do with it.

I figured, SGD 100,000 would be more than sufficient amount to change my. No I will not retire immediately into old age at 26 years old, but I would have gotten off the debt of twenty thousand dollars, make some home improvements, consider to do some investments, and continue to work and prepare, to allow for the next phase of life to unfold. With that I will be free from a host of necessities that incessantly required the attention of my finances.

Weibin asked me how I would change. I don't think I will change. If there were things I wanted to change about myself, they were things money can't change. And if anything was to change, it would be the quality of life and the liberation from nagging things like a washing machine that doesn't work properly, a fridge that's too small, and the tropic heat that endlessly calls for a new AC system to be in house. Most importantly, I'll still be searching for that cheap ticket out of town this summer, hang out with the same friends I love, go to the same places I like.

Lastly, it will be a waste of money, if there are no uses for it.

Vivid Dreams

2007-04-29T12:25:00.000+08:00

I remembered 3 extremely vivd dreams from last night. They pierced so deep into my mind, I went to google it as I woke up, to try figure out the possible meanings and symbols in them.

**
The first most important of all, and the clearest. Was that I was at the wake of my Dad. I didn't cry, wasn't sad at all. That frightened me a lot and from time to time I questioned and asked myself how is it I am not crying. I love my dad and respected him for having gone through many very hard times in life. We barely have conflicts at home and I didn't understand my dream at all.

"Death or dying in a dream seldom refers to an actual death. Death refers to changes in one's life, or attitudes toward certain persons, or fears of dying. Here are some possibilities of what death, dying or a dead person may represent in a dream. Death is a motif and may be the central motif of the dream.

(3) If the dead person in the dream is actually a living person - and especially if that person is your partner or parent or sibling - the dream may be expressing unconscious resentment towards that person, or a desire to be indepentent of that person. Feelings toward someone close are often ambivalent (conflicting): love or respect mixed with fear or hatred or resentment or jealousy."

- http://www.mythsdreamssymbols.com/dsdeath.html

So I read on. Perhaps it was the desired to be independent.

**
The 2nd dream was a revisit Lithuania, to a party at Ignas' home. I remember I brought a friend and was running up the back stairway. Looked alittle different but I knew in my head it was the right place. The door opened and I saw Iggy, and egle, and the usual crowded house party. Lot's of alcohol on the table. I said to Iggy, "Do you know which drink I missed most?" He said, "Starka, Vodka..." I smiled, and poured out the next drink, "Yes.. Starka and Cranberry Vodka!" I asked Egle, "Where's Agne?" And we waited while talking to all the people in the house...

Indeed I missed the Starka. But I missed more the friends and the fact that I was away from home in Lithuania. It perhaps an added tinge of freedom which made the Starka sweeter in Lithuania.

**
I also remembered briefly, a call from an ex-colleague, whom I've called to meet again this coming Monday. I was to present the opportunity to him to consider an investment. In the call, he was enthusiastic and excited.

In reality, I've called him, and it took me some time to persuade him about the opportunity. And well he wasn't all that enthusiastic, and I dunno if tomorrow he will actually meet me. For this, I think was to do with my perspectives about my latest career move.

**
The company I work for is a land asset management company. Through a non-speculative physical asset, Land, as our investment vehicle, we offer money making opportunities for individuals, ie. investments. I'd like to think of it as something everybody should be excited about, that most individuals should really want to know how they can make more money, besides working their asses off like "peasants" - Quoting Irving.

Sometimes people complain about their work - overworked, under paid. Yet when the option comes to their doorstep, they push it away in fear and sceptism. Aren't you just fufilling your own prophecy, of the viscous working cycle you can't seem to get out of?

**Knock knock... Don't be afraid...

Blogging

2007-04-15T00:01:00.000+08:00

I sat for about 30 mins at the computer... trying to put my thoughts together... and I found myself coming back to my work once again. I am consumed and exhausted by the need to think for every question and simulate the responses from other people, learning and trying to self-teach how to steer the direction of conversations. But I don't stop thinking about it. Cos I want to solve the big puzzle.

New job, new life. I really like that I am kept on my toes with this one. Teach me to be a little more responsible for myself. No more 9-5pm, but every min counts. So much to know and endless of learning. I just know I need to make it with this one.

I am in terribly debts. Debts that I borrowed from my the people around me. Well it is not a big amount but it's tough starting at Zero. I appreciate all their help. And I can't say more except to work my ass off and pay together with added love and attention.

And I still listen to Cocorosies and blog... Like I use to with a cat on my lap...

And I still smell the musky old house by the river...

Misleading

2007-04-14T23:44:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I read back on my blog.. and I realised some parts could have been misleading... so just to clarify for one of the previous posts titled "Madness".

ie.
"... For example, my boyfriend leaves me => [OOPS.. MISREPRESENTED, that is to say, I was just stating a senario]. I want to think that I am a strong girl and I can handle the new life that I now have. Yet I am choking on tears and gasping for air and my face cringes..."

Sneezing Fits

2007-04-02T02:07:00.000+08:00

yeps, the dust is in the air. Not gold dust though.. tsk tsk.
A-choooo...*snif*

Last weekend was unexpectedly busy. My sis decided to move home, and I had to pack out some of my stuff from the other room... those I have secretly chucked there to make space in my room... hehe so well, good time to do some spring cleaning.

Then I also helped nic and olivia move to their new place. They live just 10 mins walking away from my home.

hehe.. no wonder there's so much dust... everybody's movin..

Madness

2007-03-29T11:53:00.000+08:00

Do you sometimes hear yourself talking in your head? I think most people do. Deciding which colour to wear, deciding what to eat, deciding what to do. If we only decided with 1 voice, then we won't take so long and there will be no conflict.
I think most women have more than 1 voice. maybe 3, I dunno.

Ronny said to me that we don't really have control over what we think.

I think it is quite true. We can probably design the guidelines on how we want to think. But what we really think about, there's no escaping.

For example, my boyfriend leaves me => [OOPS.. MISREPRESENTED, that is to say, I was just stating a senario]. I want to think that I am a strong girl and I can handle the new life that I now have. Yet I am choking on tears and gasping for air and my face cringes.

Yun says all the time, you make your own reality.

But sometimes, I think, isn't reality what things really are?... like some kind of underlying truth that exists in everything...

It seems people who live by making their own reality are happier and clearer about themselves. And others who allow life to take them along, seem to get lost more easily.

Recently, I have been absolutely pissed and annoyed by one thing. My ex-Company hasn't paid me my salary for February. Idiots. If needs be, I will end the world with them (as the chinese saying, "Tong Gui Yu Jin"). It's a small amount of money, but it's what I worked for. And if they don't pay, it's outright exploitation. People with no conscience to pay out salary to their staff are as good as the pigs feeding on trash.

We are all going to die one day, rich or poor, whatever you do. So why don't we try do some good before we disappear?

Heroes - The crazy marathon

2007-03-26T12:48:00.000+08:00

{Heroes}... The crazy marathon we did last night for the thriller drama serial. 18 episodes in one night! Woohoo... we did it - me, Justin and Zad. In between I kinda heard Al's voice, saw Tim topless as they both rushed out to the airport for flight. Al was going for work, Tim was going to meet his gf Val in Hong Kong. How nice :) And then Gabby joined us towards chapter 14 I think... the one I dozed off...

Well I must say we were victorious at the end of it this morning 10am. and I have not quite slept yet. Infact, on my way home this morning, I felt alive. Alive for not having slept, and of course, the amazing drama serial replaying itself in my head.

I don't watch TV that much, but for those movies and drama about some spiritual awakening of the self, like discovering and fufiling a destiny, and exploring the greater purpose in life, deeper understanding of past-present-future, like a being a special hero to save the world, like in {Heroes}, like in {Lost}, I am sold.

somewhere in it, said, the choice is between true happiness and the meaning of life. To be a happy "dumb" or to ponder on the meaning in past, present, and future life. Complexity. Can a human brain not think for one second? Can you not think and smile happily for eternity?

I am definitely a complex being.

"I think, therefore I am." - René Descartes

Moment of peace - Club 63

2007-03-19T12:07:00.000+08:00

I spent last weekend once again at Club 63. The place we talk about our dreams, our problems, shared our music and every other funny thing like in a fruvi spa photo session. We remade the "Thai Dinner" that we couldn't get over after returning from Koh Phang An.

These are my wonderful friends from Singapore :P

Weeeeee.....!!

**Koh Phang An**

Full Moon Party...

Age of Change, Beginning of the New Age

2007-03-14T11:11:00.000+08:00

While I've lived my past 26 years in peace and comfort, the most difficult storms in life were borne by my father. Fighting and competing for our family's survival, giving all to exchange for a better life. But well, truly, the quarter of a century is the turn of the age. The old to past, and the new to begin.

It feels like everything is approaching the edge. Just this year, I had news of 3 uncles and 1 aunt having admitted to the hospital, and my grandmother's memory problem has deteriorated. Sometimes it's ok, and other times it just became general confusion, she didn't manage to sort out the Chinese New Year in order of 1) Chu - Xi Reunion Dinner, 2) Chu - Yi, and 3) Chu - Qi - Ren - Ri. Life is frail.

My computer also has memory problem. Insufficient memory and RAM to run Photoshop, and to store the photos and music that I have. In short, it needs to be upgraded. My phone screen got smashed, need to fix. The furniture in the house is old, the fridge too small, the sewing machine we use now was from my mum's dowry.

It's in need of some changes, improvements, and new beginnings. Starting from zero, it is a very real need for me to take on the new age, to make things better. Oh, how I've always hated competition and am reluctant to get into the viscous cycle of work life. I've never seen any light to that kind of commitment. Just selling my time for money, and then 20 years past...

Everytime I face the questions of what I want to do, first I have a myriad of thoughts flying through my head, but none that I can catch hold for any time long enough. And at the very edge of things, I become a realist. I need a job, I need the money, I do the job. Even though I know it will be a soul-less investment of time, I do it. The big plans are risky. And some plans will never work. Because an idealist's dreams, passions, work of art, may very possibly evaporate into nothing or crush like castles built on clouds.

But hell, dreams continue to burn inside... burn my brains, and I cannot hide my feelings... I even think I cannot be jaded. I find myself always looking for that extra surge, deeper experiences in life, and the moment of awakening. It is the spark about things, something to smile for, something to cry about.

Lost in my own thoughts, I feel somewhat suspended into mid-air. Neither here nor there, without compromise. Something needs to be done.

The red light district

2007-01-28T17:37:00.000+08:00

Did I mention that I work in the red light district of Singapore. Well, it happens that the office which I work at is situated in a nearby industrial park, just one "Lorong" from where all the action is.

The Geylang "Lorong"s, are truely colourful. The main street is littered with purple and green neonlight bilboards. Everything you can find here. Islamic Mosque, Tibetan Temple, Chinese Temple, shops, coffee shops, best supper stalls, beef hor fun, you tiao and "dao-hwuay" (soya bean curd) & "dao-nee"(soya bean milk)

Everything in it's own array of mess. Then there are the smaller and darker "One-way" roads that ly perpendicuar to the main street, and sectioning the area into "Lorong"s 1 to 23.

Red light district it is, as day and night you find a scene of sexly dressed girls fluttering around, uniquely blended into the backdrop of layed-back shophouses.

Dream House

2007-01-13T14:12:00.000+08:00

I have a dream house. I dreamt about it just last night. It looks like the second storey of perhaps an old shophouse, elongated space and large windows with off-white wooden frames that's now barely covered since the old paint had fallen with time. It was an empty house. Only the greenish concrete floor, the high white ceilings, long parallel walls and soft sunlight through the closed windows. It was raining. Water seeped through the base section of the wooden frame. The wood was moist and with moss. I walked towards the window, the tiny streams of rainwater reached my feet. It was serene and romantic.

I've always thought my dream house would be one by the beach, stepping onto soft white sand and sea breeze in my face.

Year 2007

2007-01-04T13:36:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow I will start my new job as an Exhibition Executive. On the day I signed my offer letter, they told me I should start preparing for a trip to Dehli end of this month to help out at the trade show and conference that was on. Told me all that I would need, black suit and shoes, and passed me the visa application form.

Even though the other terms of this job isn't fantastic. I thought I would give it a serious tryout. I couldn't turn down my excitement.

We partied out 48 hrs this New Year Countdown at Al's. No sweaty stampede parties at Zouk, Expo or Sentosa. Just warm cosy house parties with friends. Nice.

2007 has started in peace. Above all, the poor gal who had her count down in hospital is recovering well. :)

For myself, there's a subtle heartbeat in life that I start to hear and recognise. Doing things, loving things. Underlying everything, spontaneous or routine, there's a rhythm of peace within. And there's something more than the self that's important. The people that I've met, the experiences that I've shared, people that love me, people that I love.

Everything is in place, where they need to be, as it is, the good and the bad.
The beautiful perfect plan.

"Numbers"

2006-12-29T13:12:00.000+08:00

8, 13, 138 & 813

believe it or not, these are numbers that I always see, hear and have connected to me in someways. Most people, including myself, will also understand that here we observe a psychological phenomenon known as selective memory. Simply, it means I see crtain numbers because I want to see them, because perhaps they have been corelated to a particular event (eg. 813 was my dormatory room no. in HK, desk no. 13 was where I sat in my first job, 13/08 was the date I had my belly pierced, etc.) linked to certain important phases of my life, ignoring occurences of other numbers when they appear, and eliminating the chance of any other number to become "my" number.

Do we make our own reality?

2 days ago, I met up with some friends who have been living in Australia after college... and the last time we met up was some 4 years ago. Coincidentally, right after I return from my travels, one of them got in touch with me over MSN. So it was amazing for me, how they were still very much the same. Same goof, same loving and same fun. While exchanging some updates about our lives, I mentioned that it's strange I haven't bumped into "the rest of the other people" from college, considering that Singapore is a pretty small place. Well never say never, the next day I accompanied my sister to get some wine for our <>. And there at the wine cafe, I found one familiar face.
Connection or Coincidence? Coincidence.

Last night when I returned home, I got news about a friend who came down with viral infection of the brain and was admitted to the hospital. Apparently, we got some news that her condition had lapsed into comatose. When we went to visit her at the hospital this morning, it was comforting to know she has regained conciousness.

"Why?", was the question that kept me up all night. As much as I am aware, such situations are rare - "Unknown viral infection of the brain". But this is the 2nd time I've heard it happen to someone. First was a sister of a friend, and now a friend of my own.

In the lift ride up to the ward, I overheard a conversation reading out the bed number => bed 813. I was looking at lift buttons. There was 13 floors in this building. Destiny or Selective memory?
Unknown.

Last night before I went to bed, I was upset with a close friend over a present. She told me I didn't have to make her a present because she feels that since we are great friends, it was not important to spent too much time and effort on it. At the end it was a misunderstanding and I know she meant well, but I couldn't help feeling rejected, that it seemed she was not interested in the gift I was making for her.

Yes. Presents. What you think about giving presents. An obligation? Or a gesture of courtesy? Are you sincere? What do you think about receiving a present? How some presents and the person that gave them doesn't seem mean anything at the end of the day, and how some presents you will always remember and keep them close. And what it means to be appreciative? What if you dun like the present or it wasn't suitable? Are you going to be the honest friend? Or you will pretend to like it so everybody is happy? It's just a present eh? But it's becoming a big headache.

Last night I dreamt about my photographs from my travel. I have "cleverly" exchanged a Cannon digital camera for a Nikon manual camera. => before my flight, I carelessly left the cannon in Lithuania after I got drunk. Nikon was the beautiful present from Iggy. The pictures of London and Portugal from the Nikon have not been printed yet. So, it came up in the dream, that I had gotten them printed and was searching through all the photos looking for a picture which I wanted to send to Portugal. It continued that I didn't find it, and the rest of the pictures were all blurred. :(
well, in reality, I have got the negatives of the all the pictures, and most of the pictures in that roll of film look quite clear from the negatives.

I'd like to live everyday like there is magic... would it become delusional?
I'd like to remember everyday ... could it even be possible?

That which keeps you pure inside...

2006-12-26T17:30:00.000+08:00

I remember a line from friend Egle...

"Crying keeps you pure inside."

After I did a little search... I found that tears and crying had a number of symbolic meanings.

"... crying as an emotional reaction is considered by many to be a uniquely human phenomenon, possibly due to humans' advanced self-awareness."
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tears

"Gold, to the Incas, was the 'sweat of the sun' and Silver the 'tears of the moon.' "
- http://www.crystalinks.com/incan.html

"...when the Tartar barbarians (Mongols) invaded China, dragons cried for the people. When the tears came to Earth, they changed to jade... Jade is thought to be able to help a person just by being in contact with it. The feel of cool jade is said to elevate and purify thoughts, to quiet the mind, and to induce a state of contemplation. "
- http://bosp.kcc.hawaii.edu/Horizons/Horizons2002/Chinese_Jade.html

"
(1) Women cry five times as much as men.
(2) Typical crying episodes last 6 minutes for men and women.
(3) Tears are more often shed between 7 and 10 p.m.
(4) No correlation of age with crying frequency exists.
(5) 85 percent female and 73 percent male report they feel better after crying."
- http://www.primalinstitute.com/newsletter/bernfeld1.html

Hmm...

New Look

2006-12-18T22:03:00.000+08:00

Decided to change the blog template for a fresh new look for the coming new year. I still get a mild shock when the bright lime page loads, then in a split of a second, I remember that I have changed it a day ago.

Monday 18-Decmber-2006

It rained since I woke up at midday. Infact, it is still raining right now. Heavily. And for the whole of today, I was working hard at job searching. Now, just taking a short "Time-Out". The job listings were sorted by dates, and the job titles were switching between Developement Engineer, Test Engineer, Design Engineer, Purchaser, Manager, Assistant Manager, Financial Advisor, Investment Consultant, Customer Relationship Officer, Accountant, Marketing Executive, Sales Executive, Banker, etc. I scan through line after line, Woooph... made me dizzy little bit...

But well I need to find a job fast fast fast...

Zoukout 2006 Weekend

2006-12-11T11:11:00.000+08:00

I just reached home after the weekend partying. In 2 hours, I will need to meet a consultant for a weekend tutor post @ the community centres. Haven't slept much since Friday, but I decided to skip the sleep and put an entry instead. Now and then it occurs to me, that I'd prefer not to sleep, not to waste time.

Last weekend, I went to Zouk Out 2006 with a bunch of friends. It was a dance music festival @ Sentosa Island with lots of people (--> big beach party). Organised in collaboration with STB's (Singapore Tourism Board) "Uniquely Singapore" campaign, I believe it was a party aimed at completing the hip and happening, dance party nightlife image for Singapore, in hope of attracting more tourists to Singapore. It was a success because there were alot of people at the event. There were many drink stands, toilet areas and several stages (I think 4 or 5). WE stayed til the morning at about 7.30am and had arranged a private transport to pick us from the beach back home. WE thought about afterparty at a friends place, but I guess everybody was too tired and decided to head back home.

To meet up with friends was really nice, and honestly, it was the saving grace for the night's party. I didn't talk to anybody else. There was a foreigner man who offered to take a picture of me and Yun. We didn't even ask. And while I turned my back to him to check the pictures, he actually came up behind me and had his head over my shoulder so close that I could feel his body heat. In the same moment, I felt his hands on my hips and I stepped away as fast as I could react. As I turned to him, he raised both his hands into the air in plea for innocence, like as if he was confronted by policemen. I can't help but raised my brows at this pathetic attempt of his. I replied in honest hostility, "What's up man?" He puffed his cheeks in speechlessness and decided to give up and walk on.

Well, sometimes I wish to go to a party where I can smile at everybody and be nice. You can be a flirt, a heart breaker, whatever kind of lifestyle you seek. You don't have to be flawless, but this, dear readers, is sexual harassment. You can still meet nice people at parties now and then. And of course, there will always be all sorts of bastards in the world. But once in a while when these assholes turn up, it kills the love.

--> Miss Lovelight commented, "Zoukout is a commercial success, but not a spiritual one"

--> Miss PhiPhi thought, "... this is definitely not a "love" event.."

Sentosa has beautiful shorelines. They are small, but at sunrise and sunset, the silhouette of leaning coconut trees look absolutely picture perfect.

Cost of party:
SGD 48 (at entrance. Luckily we had prior reservations and credit card privillege discounts, we paid only SGD 34)
Drinks not included:
SGD 24 (total of 4 drinks that claimed to be alcoholic, but all I tasted was redbull and seven-up with ice)
Transport and island entrance:
SGD 10

********************************

Extreme Chilli Experience

2006-12-02T04:21:00.000+08:00

Have you ever stuffed chilli in your face untill u sniff, choke and sob...?

The chilli experience can indeed be very extreme sometimes. The pain in the tongue, lips, stomach, and so on. To seek these experience takes more than a little courage in oneself. And when the sweat beads start to collect, then there is a feeling of expulsion, and mild relief of the tension built up from the taste of spiciness.

So I am home in Singapore now. Everything is so familiar, but I no longer feel the same about things at all. I've been going on long trips for 4 times now. First was a 6 months period working in Hong Kong, 2nd was a 2 months trip to India, 3rd was another 3 months trip to India, 4th was the past 6 months in Europe. Each time, homecoming always felt somewhat dull. End of the adventures. And this time, it is starting to feel difficult.

The pace, the beat, the vibes, the culture, the people, are all different. It's all about chic, style and wallet. Sitting in pretty pubs, fancy restaurants, earning the bucks. Marketing a new product, public taste assesment, competition, judging if item A is better than B. Investments, job opportunities, better job opportunities, house, car, shopping, spending. Who do you want for a bf, does he have the cash? Someone says, it's not about cash babes, but it's better if he is rich... isn't it?

Well, where is all these going, and if there is any meaning at all.

I have gathered many experiences and inspirations on my travel. And I was bursting with energy, to want to come home to seek the life I love, to want to be happy. Yet while I walked out of the airport and hopped on the taxi home, the air is humid and heavy, it's getting dizzy here. It felt harder to breathe.

Today I went to meet some friends in Zouk, one of our favourite clubs in town. Good music, good parties, and a great chill out bar. Then we went to Clarke Quay, where it used to be warehouses by the river in the past. Now, a myriad of bars, clubs and pubs have occupied area. They boast of classy hang outs, every inch and corner looked like it was polished and smoothed out to perfection. Not a single piece of trash on the ground. CHIC, is the style. Someone at the table asked me if I wanted to look younger and passed me a flyer publicising for the launch party of some beauty care product - Renoasis. On the flyer printed, "Dress code - Smart chic". Apparently, they say that this product uses Nanotechnology and can penetrate 7 layers of the skin, where the naturally based components can work on your system and regulate your hormonal balance for younger, fuller skin.

What is chic you might ask, or you already know. Anyway, I would explain it as the "super model" look, that every piece of garment or accessory on you needs to look just they way they were made for. Wear the design, or it is simply out.

So everybody looks like a super model, and wants to sashay down the walkways. Make a pose and make a round. Head turns, somebody bitches.

I got home at about 4am in the morning, still suffering from jetlag. I listen to some music, desperately trying piece everything together. The Europe trip, the homecoming, and future.
*Blank*
Everything was disconnected ... Attempting to join the dots was futile and hopeless. I made myself a bowl of noodles, stuffed it with chilli paddies (the really small but really spicy ones) and ate them. Just for the adrenaline rush. Just to burn my lips, feel the pain and to breathe. My nose started to run. IT was super spicy. And tears were flooding up.

*****
wake up to the kiss of a cat, hitchhike to the next town for a party, drink piktas in BlueOrange, sit in the kitchen and talk, jump into a lake, eat strawberries from the garden, pick mushrooms in the forest, spin rocks, jump into the sea in middle of the night, lay on the grass and watch the stars, sleep by the river bed, sleep by the highway, watch the sunset, wake up to the kiss of a dog, wake up to the sounds of seagulls, walk into a cafe with a friend behind the counter, have a double expresso after breakfast at Rua de Camoes, paint the walls, 5 policemen for 1 parking ticket, kiss twice and say hello, run and laugh in the rain, wink and say hello, break a bottle, hide the keys, laugh and choke on pasta, dance.

Mind Travel, Time Travel, Space Travel

2006-11-06T18:43:00.000+08:00

Travel is beyond surface beauty of landscapes, nature and view. Travel is also culture crossing, globalisation, and time travel.

Go to India - Delhi, Taj Mahal, Tharr Desert, Hampi, Pink City, White City, Blue City, Goa, Dharamsala... The narrow streets, markets, foodstalls, chai shops, traffic, rickshaws, buses. *blink* - 1950s - 1970s. The villages in Lithuania, forests, lakes, Pagan crosses reminds me of the heavy cast iron mugs in Medieval times. The working crowd here are hopeful, ambitious, driven and forceful. Porto, dances in a somewhat 1990s beat. Spain is in a totally different language :) London zapps you back for shopping, spending; go underground and it's hip and happening with the fast growing rebels of bureaucratic living. Trance parties are like in space, everything seems alittle more strange than usual, people seem more natural than usual, and the world seem to gather with representatives of each continent. Always you can ask, "Where are you from?"

After this question, the identity is held strong, but the borders, that we are from different places, is crossed. Communication. We are all from same planet aren't we?

My "doing nothing" here in Europe is unforgivable. You can judge me. Infact, I haven't visited half of Europe, something which most people would cover in one trip, in 2 months perhaps. But about meeting the people, I am loving it. And I've seen my first snow in Kaunas. I spent most of my time dreaming. Here I meet my dreams and find new ones. What we will do without dreams? Sometimes I could visualise the thin boundaries separating dream and reality diminishing. Chasing a dream, living a dream. :)

I'm now in London. Intially I was really depressed from leaving Lithuania, and absolutely lost in my first days here. Speak to no one, nothing to give. Forced myself to go for some party, somewhere. Then suddenly the city takes me, slaps you in the face and says "hello" to me. Welcome to London. No food and drinks in the club, and they took my chocolates from the bags. "Sorry love, it's the club rules," they say. 18 pounds entrance. Wow. But anyway music was great, party was alright and hey, no sense comparing. I don't think I see much of this place yet, I don't feel too much about just going to town to "see it". It was enough excitement crashing in the squat and going to their party to meet some people. Last night in the squat party, someone said to me, "... I always am excited to meet someone from other side of the globe," I replied, "Can you imagine how I feel being here now, on the other side of my globe?" :)

Earlier in the night I met up with some friends at the bar, talked about life and living. Where to go next, where is better. They mentioned about Singapore. I questioned my doubts about Singapore once again, an attempt to prepare myself for home coming. Home. Why I didn't like it enough even though I grew up there, why the effects of conditioning didn't happen for me so I wouldn't doubt home. Is it purely a psychological phenomenon where the moon is bigger, brighter and better somewhere else? Or was it real fears that I face about being conformed involuntarily and subconciously to the bureaucratic rule of the goverment? It's clean, convenient and comfortable in Singapore, the 3Cs. These are good things. But the law is crazy. No gums, no littering, no spitting, no smoking, no vandalism, no loiterring, no nudity, no illegal gatherings, yes canning, yes death penalty. Perhaps it's time to stand up to these fears, to break down the protective walls the goverment has build for us. It's time to open up and grow up. Don't protect us, let us learn. We are ready.

Yesterday was 5th Nov, Bonfire Night. Lots of fireworks display going on around here.

"Remember, remember, the 5th of November..."

Zero Degrees

2006-10-31T06:53:00.000+08:00

Brrr... it's really getting cold here... :) my first zero degrees. Not a big deal, but it's a first.
The next thing is to wait for snow... apparently it already snowed in some parts of Kaunas and in Vilnus.

I hope I will be lucky.

Next Thursday...

2006-10-24T04:47:00.000+08:00

Everyday is new day, no memories, only Today. And the future... holds future plans for home, for work, for new life.

I will fly to London next Thursday. I almost don't believe it, but I've been waiting. Lithuania has been an amazing place for me, every single emotion have been reached to the maximum, every thought clear. So, next thursday, I will be in London. Just a matter of a week (plus minus). Only today I realised when someone said, "So it's next Thursday?".

SO... next thursday.

Cat and Dogs

2006-10-18T22:38:00.000+08:00

Kaunas Party

2006-10-17T02:52:00.000+08:00

Kaunas <-> Vilnus <-> Kaunas

For a long long time, we've always went to Vilnus for parties. This time, they finally came to Kaunas! :)

Even though in Kaunas there really isn't much happening on the streets, there are some klubas (clubs) around the town, but the small town vibes still prevails! However, I must say it was a party of all times, all good friends and happie people. We first went to check out Rouge (where I did work for 3 days), which is at the moment, is one of our favourites in Kaunas. The night started slow, we adjourned home for the after party and watch a Lithuanian comedy (a little strange but was quite a teaser with its slapstick humour), and then suddenly there was sunlight... It was morning, we turned up some music, and everybody was dancing crazy!

Unfortunately, there were some unpleasant neighbours, who even came to the door and called us "drug users". Well, sorry neighbours but it was weekend. Guilt aside, the party was a blast!

*Pictures will be posted soon...

Crazy

2006-10-05T20:11:00.000+08:00

Last night I was speaking with a friend. He told me how he lost his mind 3 years ago because of drugs. It was not addiction. I asked him if he feels alright now, he said yes. He continued and said some people get driven nuts because of problems in life, from disapointment in love and relationships, from a bankruptcy, from unemployment, or going through the death of close ones, from war. For him, he made his choice about a drug experience, and he didn't find any reason for regret about going nuts on it.

Everybody does some things to find themselves. Some people travel, go on holiday, run away from home, go to live overseas, some people work really hard, and for him, he conclude in retrospect to have found himself in this extreme mind opening drug experience, and coming through to find himself again after having gone crazy. Now, he sees the epic core of his mental distraction, and no longer finds the excuse for not knowing what to do, since he did nothing for a year. He believes that understanding and communication are most important for his spiritual evolution and that "work" is essential for the well being of any persons. We need to have something to do.

However much he has gain for himself, he finds that things have changed fast, and some of his friends have become somewhat distant.

I told him, in my opinion, nobody can be really considered crazy. Or, everybody is crazy in some ways.

I think the going crazy part was probably what people were telling him, and what he eventually told himself. I also think changes in friendships is normal and is best dealt with in acceptance.

Last night I couldn't sleep. with a hundred millions of thoughts and ideas speeding through my head. There are many things I want to do, too many "I"s to be. I guess I managed to sleep some hours eventually. After waking up, I cleaned the fridge, took a shower, made soup (pork ribs with potatoes, carrots, onions) 6 teas and 2 coffees. Today there were many guests in the house, mainly Iggy's clients. Also the plumber came to see the house for changing of pipes. Busy day, but I enjoyed it, as I have been pretty bored learning photoshop, and reading online texts.

Have you heard this song from the Beatles - Maxwell's Silver Hammer (Lennon/McCartney).
Check out this animation! http://www.funny-games.biz/animations/13-maxwellssilverhammer.html

I believe you'd agree with me that this indeed a strange and crazy song.

------------------------------------------------
Joan was quizzical; studied pataphysical
Science in the home.
Late nights all alone with a test tube.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Maxwell Edison, majoring in medicine,
Calls her on the phone.
"Can I take you out to the pictures,
Joa, oa, oa, oan?"

But as she's getting ready to go,
A knock comes on the door.

Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon her head.
Clang! Clang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead.

Back in school again Maxwell plays the fool again.
Teacher gets annoyed.
Wishing to avoid an unpleasant
Sce, e, e, ene,

She tells Max to stay when the class has gone away,
So he waits behind
Writing fifty times "I must not be
So, o, o, o.."

But when she turns her back on the boy,
He creeps up from behind.

Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon her head.
Clang! Clang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead.

P. C. Thirty-one said, "We caught a dirty one."
Maxwell stands alone
Painting testimonial pictures.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery
Say he must go free
(Maxwell must go free)
The judge does not agree and he tells them
So, o, o, o.

But as the words are leaving his lips,
A noise comes from behind.

Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon his head.
Clang! Clang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that he was dead.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh.
Silver hammer man.

Gold in the air of summer

2006-09-30T09:41:00.000+08:00

Gold in the air of summer
- Kings of Convenience

We like giving anything away
I can say it's by the sea
It's a house that used to be
The home of a friendly mind

We like giving anything away
We find ships inside of bottles
When the garden's overgrown
The house is white, but the paint is coming off

I didn't know if you wanted to
But I came to pick you up
You didn't even hesitate
And now you and me are on our way
I think I've bought everything we need
Don't look back, don't think of the
All the places we should've been
It's a good thing that you came along with me

Gold in the air of summer
You'll shine like gold in the air of summer
You'll shine like gold in the air of summer
You'll shine like gold in the air of summer

5 Litas = 1 x Phiphi Happy Braids

2006-09-28T19:01:00.000+08:00

I've had some intentions to look for work here, just wanted to experience life here for sometime. And now that I have very much emptied out my wallet and more, I will need that little bit of cash. I am lucky to find that I can help out at a friend's bar for some nights.

This is where I work.

While I also planned to make braids to support some part of my travel outside Lithuania, I didn't make enough to sell. Most of the braids I've made were presents to friends, and people I've met in travel. Until today. Today I got my first 5 LT. After returning to Lithuania, I've put some in Iggy's mum's gallery. And it happened that a teenage girl bought one of them, for 5 LT.

What does 5 LT do here in Lithuania? (exchange SGD 1 ~ 1.7LT)

1 x Packet of Barclay Ciggarettes

1 x 0.5L Svytury Baltus beer

1 x Phiphi Happy Braids

Please give me your Electronic Mailer Address!

2006-09-27T22:24:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered what is real and what might not be?

Today I tried to email some friends from germany whom I've got to know at Shambala Festival. After writing my heartfelt emotions and updates of my current life, I then happily clicked on the "send" button, thinking to myself how good it is to have this connection.

*Poof* In less than 1 second (as impressed as I am with the speed nowadays), came a return mail from

. Moritz's mail has failed to receive. Permenant failure.

Technical details of permanent failure:
PERM_FAILURE: SMTP Error (state 9): 550 Unknown local part

At this very instant, I flashed back to some memories of him and then in the very same moment doubted his existent. I also recall the same happened sometime ago, with Kimo's email (Finnish DJ).

Permenant failure email. Yucks.

I have a tiny, messy black book which I write my friends' contact information (or they write) inside. Never did I doubt the book nor the writer. Perhaps a slight suspicion that both of them have vanished or something.

So, keep in mind to check that your mailer works from time to time.

**POOOF***

-----------------------------------------------
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

Cocorosie

2006-09-23T18:11:00.000+08:00

Saturday Morning.
I woke up early today after last night's party. Still feels drunk a little. But hmm... didn't think I had that much to drink anyway. Maybe it's the mix of wine, beer, and brandy. I started to listen to Cocorosie in the room alone. If you have heard cocorosie, you'd agree with me that their music is perfect for spending time alone and perfect for falling in love with another.

Sometime ago I wrote a mail to Yun. I ask her, if she would free fall with me. For her, I believe MoMo is her world. Her love, sanctuary, and her peace. Because she later replied "no matter what, momo will touch down tomorrow, and there will be plenty of free falling..."

I think while listening to Cocorosie, I fell in love with them. Very much. There's one song that says "I just want to be your housewife..." And it's quite a lovely picture, perfect housewives, lot's of TLC (tender loving care) , cosy vibes. But it also gets kind of obsessive and almost sadistic. Reminds me of my mother, the perfect housewife. Ohh... guess I missed mummy... :)

I want to freefall. I am already freefalling. who's ready?

By your side

I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I just wanted to be your housewife
All I wanted was to be your housewife
I'll iron your clothes
I'll shine your shoes
I'll make your bed
And cook your food
I'll never cheat
I'll be the best girl you'll ever meet
And for a diamond ring
I'll do these kinds of things
I'll scrub your floor
Never be a bore
I'll tuck you in
I do not snore
I'd wear your black eyes
Bake you apple pies
I don't ask why
And I trys not to crys
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
And it's nearly midnight
And all I want with my life
Is to be a housewife
Is to be a housewife
'Cause it's nearly midnight
And all I want with my life
Is to die a housewife
Is to die a housewife

The Niceistan Ideology

2006-09-22T20:51:00.000+08:00

The Niceistan Ideology

Niceistan is the new established nation-state that has built its national identity rooted in goodwill and hospitality. A nation of free, open-minded and honest people of crazy nice-ness As the name suggests, Niceistan refers to the land of nice, nice, nice ("Nice - Istan"). Niceistan was first conceptualised on the sandy Baltic beaches of Pervalka (Neringa 1/2 Island), by Dragas, who was sitting amongst his friends hunged-over and sunburnt but probably very happy. Thus the start of "Niceistan" on 21st June 2006 in Baltic State Lithuania. Here in Niceistan, there're no laws, no ethical discussions of individual responsibilities, no malace. Here is freedom of being, freedom of love, good music, nice parties and beautiful people; where fluidity and connectivity nature of life is most intensively expressed. As with all good things, the Niceistan Ideology began to spread to others slowly but surely. In this age of capitalistic manipulation, violence and terrorism, more and more people have began on a journey of self-discovery, recognising the need to find and create space for peace and solace. Pioneered by Iggy M, it started the revolutionary movement of gathering all the nice people from different parts of the world and the nation started to grow as one connects through another.

Welcome to Niceistan, have a nice nice nice stay in Niceistan.

"...we may be spoilt by goodness, arrogant in our freedom, but we are real and we love life with sincerety and altruism..."

Sudden Urge

2006-09-10T21:34:00.000+08:00

Have returned 2 days ago to Lithuania, after ą month of intensive traveling and hitch-hiking. Spain, Portugal, Morroco. Back with a bag packed full of adventures, deeper insights and new perspectives. But also, I am exhausted both physically and mentally. Now suddenly, I feel a rush to go home to Singapore. To re-created the space and lifestyle that I like, to perhaps materialise this better imagination of love and life I've experience with all the people that I've met. And all the beautiful things in life.

Romantic, sentimental and staying connected.

As with all first meetings with people, questions questions and more questions. We are curious cats inside. What do u do in life, where are u from, what is your language, how long holiday do u have...

These questions are meaningless for me. I don't even know how to answer them if I were to be completely honest with myself. Talk is sometimes meaningless, I like better to connect via the shared experience of a common reality or the "imagined" common reality.

Sometimes I feel that questions form the expectations of the other individual. Well, most people expect some kind of answer to their questions. But hey there, it is actually alright to have no answer. So, keep it open always.

Missing post(s) - Phi Phi goes to meet the Eastern Western...

2006-08-01T18:25:00.000+08:00

taip taip... (means "yes yes" in Lithuanian)

13th June 2006 - Flew from Singapore to London, got a connecting to Lithuania. And booom... here I am.

So yes yes, I am here in lithuania, still. Been here 6 weeks, going 7 I am guessing now. Full on partying and a whole new adventure here in Baltic Eastern Europe. Culture shock? Sure thing. But it's not so difficult after the first week, because here is my freedom of being, no longer judge by social norms of my origin, only being what I am. Here are free and open minds waiting to explore you, and perhaps the underlying desire to understand a whole new culture from Asia, the tann yellow skin that doesn't burn in the sun.

Have been meeting so many people that I can't possibly remember all their names. Solution? Smile and say Hi once again.

Many people ask how I do it. How to drop it all and leave. I told them it's only a decision after honest consideration with the self. What is life, and what keeps it going? For me, it could be anything. It may well be having a good career, some cash and a family. Or it could also be coming to Europe with 800 Euros in my pocket and with a return ticket dated 6 months after.

Maybe I'll work it out here, maybe I'll go home. Loads of possibilities, anything can happen if you are open to the possibilities.

4th August 2006 - Phi Phi Goes to Portugual with Iggy for Boom Festival

Ticket booked, so Portugal it is. Gonna make some hair braids on the way. Give some, sell some. Should be really cool I think.

a post for Beautiful Egle and Agne and Giedre

2006-07-04T19:01:00.000+08:00

"... Because you're... Gorgeous!!!!! I'll do anything for you...."

... really love love love you girls! :)

Solitude

2006-06-08T21:21:00.000+08:00

I was so stressed out for the last day of work. Well it's stupid you think. And I do agree. I should really be happy, relaxed and finally a new burst of freedom in life. I was almost nauseous.

well, that's ideal. In reality, you face your deepest fears, your most unheard voice and the worst questions when you embark on the journey into the path less travelled, and obviously, never been before.

Took a shower for over an hour, of course also did the essentials of face mask, fingers, toes scrubbing. It was the most relaxing hour i've had in 2 weeks. By myself. Surprise, surprised.
Solitude and shower seemed like the cure to all my doubts and anxiety.

In a myraid of events, tasks and administratives, I felt the few bits of me that was having the life here in Singapore were being torn. Handing over of my duties at work, clearing the room, packing up, and leaving my bf behind. I felt as if I was going away for the longest time, the indefinite forever, which in real life will end when the ticket dies in 6 months.

The only issue that eventually caught up with me and left me hanging was my bf. How I do not know what I will do about him. How I sometimes feel guilty for leaving. But I figured he wasn't sure about me afterall and I was having an almost non-existent bf. Sometimes I have to remind myself, that he is after all my bf. The bad effects of "Non-Commital" but want to be together - Jadedness. Somehow, I chose to stay with him.

Well, the wheel spins, people leaving, people come around, everybody hurt somebody sometimes.

Or choose solitude, only be with myself.

on my way to London

2006-05-29T23:01:00.000+08:00

on my way to London, how does it feel?

I am scared I suppose, to meet the unknown, and even though I am going to meet with a dear friend, I feel a sense of doubt since we haven't met in long time.

Things here have become numbed and dull. I dun even know what's going on half the time.

Always before I get to sort out anything, I am already so tired... and I just sleep it away...

cry to sleep, and wake up... same shit different day.. less stinky now it seems.. but well, fact it we humand develop tolerance too fast...

Before I know it, everything isn't that bad anymore... but everything pieces into a monotonous humming...

Killing yourself...

2006-05-21T09:10:00.000+08:00

All the time, the road to freedom, seems a road of sacrificing a part of myself, that I want to be free from.

Freedom from myself. Then I'll need to kill myself... sacrifice the ego, the form, and the identity.

Freedom from love, that's detachment, as if you don't care... "Zen" - ness and unaffected by things people you love do.

Freedom from yearning, so I stopped wanting things. Stopped finding things that i want to do. so the heartbeat also soften and stops.

self destructive generation of the new millenium. that's us. walking the sacrificial road to freedom

what's left is a tiny buzz in ur head, telling you that you are still alive.
and sometimes it feels like life is wasted.

Run Away

2006-04-03T21:59:00.000+08:00

Well, not exactly running from anything. What really happened was that I went for a run. Today. Exciting. It rained alittle, but I liked it more. The park is less crowded, I get my peace and ample time with Nature.

Kinda cleared up my mind a little. Feeling much better today. I really got tired of my own excuses, and procrastination. I feel like have a million thoughts in my head, but I hardly get down to anyone of them.

Sometimes we whine, meaningless. Might as well get started.

Thank you

2006-03-21T00:38:00.000+08:00

hey hey my dear friends,
Just wanna say a big thank you to you all you guys... you dears have taken care of me...
all the time & everytime

I dunno what else to say except..

HUGZ!!! and I LOVE YA ALL!!!

Tammy thing

2006-03-18T17:45:00.000+08:00

any by the way, that Tammy NYP thing, any body know what happened to the people who posted in on the net / stole the phone? Scott free?!

What is wrong with Singaporeans?

They should really nail the people who's been so mean, by posting it on the internet. Pls spare tammy, social pressure should be on the despicable bitch/bastard that did it to her.

The "muu" state, or not?

2006-03-18T17:29:00.000+08:00

I could sleep all day, call it the "muu" state or the escapist. No need to wake up, no need to get somewhere, no need to think about what I should do for my life.

When I was 12, I use to think I could do everything. Now, I think, I can't do anything at all.
Everthing's reduced to the smallest, slightest, most meaningless.

Who's the rock star? who's the babe?

There is no Babe, Phi, there's you and your demons or angels. IT's a constant battle, who wins takes the throne, and it's a never ending fight, more demons, more issues, more baggage.

it's the battle that ages you, phi. Your face starts to crease, you eyes droop, and your cheeks puff up.

Innocence, lost, or murdered?

Mazzy Star

2006-03-15T19:12:00.000+08:00

"The voice. The spare, haunting music. The face. The evocative lyrics. Hope Sandoval. David Roback. The other guys in the band. The whole trippy Mazzy Star experience. That's what you're here for--right?"

sheesh.. has anybody heard a Mazzy Star? it is indeed haunting or u can try saying soothing...

anyway, I Looove it.

next destinations

2006-02-20T23:37:00.000+08:00

where's the next place? we keep wanting to move, wanting a fresh start. we are bored.
are we bored of the place , sick of repetitive routine, or simply bored of ourselves - as Ron puts it...

Somewhere in the world we may set out feet upon, the beautiful fresh scent first charms us, lure us and then in time becomes normal, and we want to set out for more.

this more and wanting. seems lethal, addictive enough to make u kill for more... displacement of oportunity costs, values, and even responsibility. To want to set off, set free, into nothing...

Melodrama. Or revelation?

Welcome Happy New Year

2006-01-02T11:21:00.000+08:00

Welcome to the new year. New ambitions, new hopes and new resolutions. Well, what's new?

2005 passed in a flash, but not without a trace. Loads of memories to stick with a long time to come... Great year I must say. It's never all that pretty and nice, but becos of that, it's perfect.
I've done a first travel alone in India, first breath of tank air in Koh Phi Phi, first time in a job more than 6 months in Tuas, first time sharing a bottle of wine between 2 and going for more, first camera, first time riding scooter, first zouk out, first ferry corsten, first love.

First understanding of love. First feeling of freedom and peace, first scent of tranquility. First light. There's a hippie in all of us.

Bin says that he feels year 2006 is going to be a good year for all of us. That intense positivity is lovely.

Sing to the Dawn

2005-12-28T21:46:00.000+08:00

Finally learned to sing the song by Jolin, Dao Dai.

Always found it nice, never actually sung it til last mon'.

Haven't been to KTV for such a long time I dun remember the last KTV I went to. Monday @ KTV brought back memories of Hongkong and I've forgotten about singing altogether.

Too much drinking, seems to loose chunks of memory and get more absent minded these days. Also a perpetual numb, hung over feeling...

Or you could call it peace, just like the afterglow of smoking, the aftermess of drunkardness.

Some people believe that they will never loose themselves no matter how drunk they are. Some people fear that and stay sober. And most of the happy others would have lost at least one item of possession, left it somewhere, or kissed someone. And the feeling of waking up to a realisation, is what I appreciate, a moment of clarity, mixed with a splitting headache. (think we really could do without the headache)

Dancing in the Moonlight.

2005-12-22T21:41:00.000+08:00

Was at my Grandma's place for a dinner. They call it the Dong Ji, End of winter dinner with family. (or that's at least the best I could with the translation)

everything usual, and normal. On my way back, my father, my mum and me took the taxi and was looking forward to get home to our comfort couch at home. The taxi lady was a woman, in her forty's. But you could still see the afterglow from her younger days...

they started toking, as always. I am amazed how out of 5 times I took a taxi with my dad in it, 5 times everytime, he'd chat with the driver in very intense conversation all the journey. this connection that they apparently left me out of.

They toked about their childhood, how life was so carefree and happy in the "Silat Road" days, in Kampong, how they'd jump into the canals for a swim. How life was so tough, so simple, and yet so lived in. Everybody in the neighbourhood knew each other. It wasn't a story of wealth and richness, no "atas" living. Yet every penny spent at the least of things were all worth the spending.

Now, I hardly know my neighbours. All doors are shut most of the time, either that or I am not at home.

My dad had recently recollect his younger days, the trauma of having lost both his parents in 2 consecutive years, and the heavy burden and responsibility of 8 other sibligs to take care of. Drama-Mama galore you must be thinking. But you know with the post war baby boom. This was the real situation of our parents' decade and era.

I can't help but question the only question, why then and why now. Why did the attitude, the experiences, the stories, differ so much, yet the path of life is similar and also very different. It's oxymoronic. It's life an nature, cyclic and linear all at once.

Pweef...

Love, Bread and Soup

2005-12-20T23:25:00.000+08:00

Someday, it feels that deep within is a longing for the ultimate person that is perfect, to appear in my life. This perfect guy/perfect feeling. Some people say it's a farce. Some continue to believe in it and have repeatedly fallen in and out of it... and then recover to get in all over again... well I don't know much.

I've also felt this perfect feeling with certain people before. With some friends, almost more than pefect. Hence if exprience defines our truth, then you can't really say the perfect situation to be a projection of non-reality. But we also know the very next truth that it always changes and nothing could ever stay the same, such that when finding, not only that one does not find, but also gets trapped in the endless search of what was merely an empty mould of the past.

Poison of Luxury

2005-12-19T22:45:00.000+08:00

When did we learn that life was more than the flowers in the fields, smiling in the sun, and playing hide and seek. How did all the that suddenly transformed into monetary valuation of material possesions, status quo and endless shopping or acquiring just about any new thing.

New jeans, new top, new bag, more bags, more shoes, new furniture, salon visits, manicure visits... endless.

I admit to a mild desire for all these and I am definitely vain about myself, dying to be more beautiful. But this graceful aging isn't much more about the physical appearance, more like the "zen-ness" of the liking of peace within. Whatever the situation presents. Peace but not indifference.

But how can anybody almost tell the difference between the 2? I've felt both distinctively and also felt like I couldn't decide which of the 2 was to define correctly, what that I have felt.

Perhaps having stood still infront of Top Shop, watching people gooble down the highly priced but middle ranged apparell, put the contradiction of the imbalance of materialism and peace, right at where the glass panel separated the shop space and my mental space.

Life isn't free afterall dear old friends.. but I still think that it should be... feed the cows, they plough the fields, and keep the earth alive.

Free from the Poison of Luxury.

Pride and Prejudice

2005-12-19T02:11:00.000+08:00

Just watched Pride and Prejudice the movie.. after every movie adapted from some book, I sometimes think why I've never read such a good book...

rich or famous or inteligent, they are somewhat statsu quo. defining, and seem to always decern what is appropriate or not.

well my recent encounter with Mr O. that swept me of my feet, not because he is handsome, nor intelligent, but for the fact he is so full of himself. Heh and so convince about money and it's poweress. "Money is option, and option is freedom" - so he puts it, and having to feed 12 kids with a miserable salary is torment, but I guess he doesn't appreciate the love of parents, that they rather feed them at their own torment, then sell them, or let them die...

Love. The rich and famous not only have a warp sense of money and worth, they also do not seem to comprehend love.

Not all of course. Just most of them...

I am going to Goa. Will I meet Sam again? deep inside, honestly, I hope to. Perhaps a romantic idea. Perhaps the simple openess.

I dream of Rome last night... can I deny the will of the sub-concious?

Romantic Pride and Prejudice, from liking, to misunderstanding, to insult, to the oppression of inferiority, to true love and passion. Shrek, to see beyond the surface; Lord of the ring, to fight the temptation of evil and power... what have we got here...

connection and fufilment...

Year End 2005

2005-12-08T21:47:00.000+08:00

year end... what's the deal...

better year next year...

People from the past

2005-12-03T04:15:00.000+08:00

Never expected to meet Vanessa or Cheok anywhere...

they were a part of my story just a couple months ago...

wat's the deal when people from the past revisit... those you don't have any relations, just aquaintances, just people who knew someone you knew.

too tired to actually condense / intepret anything.

I miss history.... the unique experiences, noone else share...

Wine and Cheeeese

2005-11-20T23:45:00.000+08:00

It's lovely, wine and cheese.

Having an extended Sunday evening, and putting the blues away. I had set out to catch Harry, but as expected, the cinemas were packed and full. So plans changed, had dinner and shopping instead. I wasn't that much into shopping as with my other babes. Took a brief glance and decided it's enough.

Along Orchard Rd, there's currently an exhibition to promote development towards a sustainable earth. Beautiful pictures of places in the world that you can't even dream about. Captioned to highlight the very real problems this earth is facing. No cheesy go green rubbish, pure auturistic analysis and views. I got the same picture book for my birthday. I was excited to see it blown up and pasted along the streets. I hope everybody not just look at pretty pictures and think about holidays. Please if you could, read the caption and know what the picture is trying to present. (Yann Arthus-Bertrand ~ EARTH FROM ABOVE)

The earth is so beautiful you simply can't bear to hurt it. And the way I look at it, most people can appreciate mother nature for the very fact we are part of nature. Inevitably, we are nature's creation. This recognition probably is what draws us to it.

Yet I am also doubtful about conservation. Perhaps trying to preserve something, may be just more hindering than helpful. But we cannot allow the destruct we cause that's eminently indicative of the end.

So, it is important to understand our prorities and environmental's impact on us. As a human race, we depend on nature's resources for our very existence, and that to develop self-sustaining rejuvenation of these resources may just be our path to the higher evolvolution.

A Blogger's Blog

2005-11-18T00:26:00.000+08:00

This Blog "Love Phi-Losophy" is not some moaning place for broken hearts nor ditsy love lorn stories.

This Blog is about ME. Me and I and Me. Phi Phi is the name.

And finally, it's all about loving me, loving phi, HOW to LOVE me, phi loving myself.

Cheers!

Food for thought

2005-11-15T23:58:00.000+08:00

http://yumyumtime.blogspot.com/

Here's introducing the one and only, very mouth watering Blog. I'd say it beats any commercial site easily, in the efforts of promoting and introducing food culture of Singapore.

"*Crunch*"

8am-5.30pm Daily

2005-11-10T15:14:00.000+08:00

working life is as u might figure.

just finished a week of holidays down at Koh Phi Phi. Beautiful place.

The Magic of Om

2005-11-07T23:19:00.000+08:00

The Meaning of Om
"Before the beginning, the Brahman (absolute reality) was one and non-dual. It thought, "I am only one -- may I become many." This caused a vibration which eventually became sound, and this sound was Om. Creation itself was set in motion by the vibration of Om. The closest approach to Brahman is that first sound, Om. Thus, this sacred symbol has become emblematic of Brahman just as images are emblematic of material objects."

http://www.omsakthi.org/worship/mantra.html

Om, the first vibration, the sound encompassing the essence of the Universe.

I had previously draft a post, but lost it due to the very intelligent internet pulses. All I remember of it is the Om. I suppose it did helped me to write to the point and cut my other bullshit out.

Hear the Magic.

How much is that?

2005-10-25T22:26:00.000+08:00

how much is THAT condominium, with private pool and gym membership?

how much is THAT car, 10L of petrol, that branded Smirnoff Eu de Toilette....

how much is THAT drink for a friend, a card of well wishes, and a Halloween party...

Can you give something that doesn't cost money?

Can you live without money?

Can you get more love with credit cards? Or just cash and carry...

Can you buy THAT life you want if you are already dead?

How much do you have to spend to be happy? How much is that smile?

Life is worth a life... and time is worth the existence.

Love Phi-Losophy

2005-10-07T00:36:00.000+08:00

i've always felt a mental buzz in the head. nope i am not crazy. am pretty sure of that. but i do have days which i feel are bursting out of my head (days bursting out of the head, yep that's what i said) , and i think it's a matter of perception, a matter of me. what i've uniquely experienced and gathered of this universe, starts to accumulate and eventually burst or dissolve. questions answers and blanks... might you be mental too? i think everybody is mental.

for a first posting, I am not going to write about anything over working the cells. Had a hard day at work and my brain is pretty dead to do any serious thinking at this point. What I would do now is to introduce this book called Sophie's World, just check it out and let me know if you like it.

and on a personal note, I have a silly story, started to write it in attempt to glue together the characters and meanings they had in my life. another blog of mine.

The Persian Princess (see under links)